The Art of Indian Politics

Most professions are self-defeating in a twisted way. If not self-defeating, they might serve an exactly opposite purpose than what they should ideally do.
There are so many examples to cite. Take doctors for example. We all might have seen signboards dangling in the clinic of our family doctor which says something to the effect of "I take an oath to give you a healthy life and I will always protect you with all my knowledge and dedication". These signboards indicate the basic tenets of medical science which are (1)treating us if we fall sick and (2)ensuring that we remain healthy and avoid diseases. But think of it a bit and you will realize that if everyone stays healthy and no one falls ill then there will be no work left for a doctor. He will be robbed off his job.
So it won't be unfair to say that healthcare as a profession depends solely on people falling sick and becoming diseased. So do you think Doctors really want all of us to stay healthy and never fall sick?

Same goes for the police. Just imagine what will the police do if there are no crimes at all. Suppose all present criminals suddenly become saints and move to the Himalayas and we are left with absolutely no crime?

Most policemen would lose their jobs as there won't be any work left for them. The only thing left to do for the remaining bunch would be verifying addresses and documents for passports and checking licences and registration. So going by this logic, do you think a policeman would wish for all crimes to stop?

And now lets move to the core of this post: Indian politicians. I believe that our politicians have thought of the above much before than me. But they have their own stupid interpretation of it. "If we work for 5 years and bring development then we will be left with nothing to promise during the next elections" seems to be their funda. So they play a double game: they don't work for 5 years so that they can have something to promise after 5 years and while this inactivity is going on they amass tons of illegal money to secure the financial future of their next 7 generations. Its a pretty ridiculous thing to do because most of them are already impotent and stealing for their next 7 generations sounds funny to me, unless they are going to adopt children.

Lets have a look at some of our great politicians who are totally not into corruption:

Here is Mr Sharad Pawar, the President of the International Council for Cricket. (By the way, he is also the Agriculture Minister of India. If you were wondering how food inflation is so low in India and how are food grains not rotting in the FCI godowns...all credit goes to

this champ)

Here is Mr Kalmadi, MP from Pune and the honourable organizer of the Delhi Commonwealth Games 2010. Mr Kalmadi showed the world that India too can host "world class" events by his single act of spending Rs. 4000 on a single roll of toilet paper. He facilitated for foreign athletes to see for themselves that taking a dump in India can be such a "rich" experience.

Numerous allegations have been made against Behen Mayawati but she has always worked for the poor and helped in boosting the economic development of Uttar Pradesh. She created thousands of jobs for sculptors to erect her statues all across UP which spread happiness and joy to the poor!

I leave you with the pictures of two other stalwarts of Indian politics who don't even need an introduction:

Why?

I keep asking myself to try...
not allow your memories come nearby.
Your remembrance is killing me
But I don't want to die....
before asking you
Why?

You have moved on, I understand
You don't give a shit, I understand
But not very long back
you showed care, you laughed, you shared...
Why?

You knew how besotted I was,
how silly, how driven, how genuine I was.
But you went ahead....
and I kept thinking how lucky I was!
Why?

Maybe you didn't know
Maybe you didn't care
But those ugly words of yours
Pierced my heart and I couldn't even cry
WHY??

Yet Another World Cup

Hitting balls with a wooden bat can cause immediate death and kicking balls with feet can cause immediate humiliation.
Does the first sentence of this post indicate that Football is a better sport than Cricket? Safer maybe..but is it better? My view is that no particular sport is better than any other. Every sport has got its own essence, rules, fans and Tiger Woods (a player who gets caught in sex scandals). It is absolutely fabulous to support the sport you like, but it is also important not to disrespect the sport which others like. And I am not talking of the games you LIKE on Facebook.
So as the FIFA Football World Cup approaches I have started observing new movement in the Indian Football Fan communities . I will give you a point wise list of my observations of typical Indian Football fans, exactly like how I used to answer papers in my school (hence I am expecting to fail again).
Category 1: This category of Indian Football fans include those who proudly claim to be regular followers of the sport. Ask them which was the last time the Indian Football team played and they will have no clue. Ask them what is the FIFA world ranking of the Indian Football team and they will again have no clue. But for them, Football is so cool! (BTW India is ranked 132nd in the world.)
Category 2: This category includes the DIE HARD Fans! But wait..they are not the die hard fans of the Indian Football team. They are die hard fans of foreign club teams and occasionally of other foreign national teams. The same foreign teams who don't give a shit if stupid Indian boys are waiting to slit their wrists if they lose.
Category 3: This category is full of certified ch****yas. They claim to be football fans only because they think it will make them look cool and will help them in getting girls. They will tell you that they support Manchester United and Chelsea (because those are only two team names they are aware of). These guys are originally cricket fans. They will follow Sachin Tendulkar on Twitter, they will hide and weep when India gets kicked out of the T20 world cup, but they will always say that Cricket is oh so cheap! and it is seen and supported by every Tom, Dick and Harry. (Please don't pay undue attention to the second name in my "Tom, Dick and Harry" example.)
Category 4: This is the category of Football fans whom I respect and admire. They are passionate about the game and for a change they also follow the Indian national team and the domestic club teams. They also respect cricket and support the Indian cricket team. Four of my friends who belong to this category are Varun Shetty, Rohanth Thota, Parag Nargolkar and Jaywant Pathak.

And finally to those who say that Cricket sucks and they watch Football because the Indian cricket team didn't even make it to the semis of the T20 World Cup... I would like to remind that the Indian Football team "didn't even qualify" for the Football World Cup. So going by their own logic they shouldn't be watching Football as well.
Honestly, I don't give a shit as to who wins the Football World Cup, as long as India doesn't feature in the tournament.

Love, सूअर and a disease.

Just a few days back, during the ongoing Onam celebrations in my college, I tried my best to look the part, to dress up the traditional way. But the basic problem confronting me was that I didn't have a dhoti. And none of my friends had a dhoti, not even my female friends (can u believe it!). :P
My love for the Indian festivities forced me to think hard and find a way out. Finally, I took out a white handkerchief, and tried to wear it like a dhoti. But repeated attempts to wear it made me realised that, at best, my handkerchief could be used as a half-dhoti. Because no matter how hard I tried to cover myself using it, the alternate half of my lower body was inadvertently left exposed, and vulnerable to external threats. Eventually, I got tired and decided to wear the same handkerchief like a mask, instead of like a dhoti. A look at myself in the mirror reminded me of a "famous" love story (of which no one is aware).
This love story was of a man and a swine. They fell in love in unusual circumstances, tried to make unusual babies, and had to part in an unusual way. The reason for their parting was a disease. A dreadful disease known as the "swine flu".

Swine Flu has made everyone, absolutely everyone, wear surgical masks and roam the streets. Children, women, men, dogs, everyone! The fear was, and still is, rampant. The mask became a part of our lives. But there were some people who had to suffer a lot because of masks.
Emraan Haashmi had to suffer the most, as most of his signed movie projects were reportedly taken away from him. The reason producers gave was that "Emraan won't be able to do what he does the best with his mouth covered in a surgical mask". It has also been heard that Emraan roams around in his house wearing "only" his mask, in order to save costs.
Also, as a precaution, some of my friends in Mumbai have not been eating food or brushing their teeth, only because they want to stay safe by not removing the masks, even for a second.
More weirdly, some street lafangaas were recently seen throwing paper chits at female passersby, because they were unable to whistle loudly and pass comments, with those masks on. One of those lafangaashas decided to join school, to learn how to write (on bits of papers).

I realised that Swine Flu is a very dangerous disease. Almost one hundred lives in the "past few months" have been lost in India because of this disease! whereas only hundreds of children die "every day" because of hunger and starvation. But obviously, hunger and starvation is not something to fear, and not something to talk about, isn't it?
In fact, testing positive for AIDS seems to be an attractive prospect, rather than testing postive for Swine Flu.

Eventually, I removed the hankie from my face, washed it (my face, not the hankie sillies :P), and left for the auditorium.


P. S. It is a fact that more than hundred lives have been lost due to Swine Flu. Every life taken because of this stupid disease simply didn't deserve to be taken away. This is not the way to die, there is no justification to such kind of a death.
This article might bring smiles to some faces, but it will never be funny to those who have lost their close ones in the recent past, and this is what I will always regret.

THE MENTAL ASYLUM.

A Few years ago......

Dontanapalli villager: "What are they building in front of our village?"

Dontanapalli villager no.2: "A huge mental asylum."

Dontanapalli villager: "Why do u say so?"

Dontanapalli villager no. 2: "People will pay 9.5 lakhs to stay here. Yes u heard me right, HERE."

.......A couple of years passed and the under-construction structure turned out to be known as ICFAI Business School, Hyderabad.

Dontanapalli villagers tried hard, and finally got to terms with the fact that their territory had been invaded, permanently. Everything seemed to be normal for some time. But things changed, with the arrival of the Class of 2011, and their Freshers Party.

The Freshers Party: Going with the tradition of IBS Hyderabad, the Stale Batch(seniors) organised a freshers party for the Fresh Batch(juniors). The theme of the event was "Ganstarz". And according to unconfirmed reports, the seniors kept the the British Colonial policy in mind and "divided" the junior batch into different clans(international mafias), and made them compete with each other.

The clan with the highest number of points was to be declared the winner of Gangstarz 2009. And the winner would win NOTHING. Definitely nothing more than a few hugs from the their co-clan members(of the same gender as theirs).

The Catch: Although points were awarded for each and every event, but the highest number of points were to be gained by promoting the clan, mainly through CHEERING, at the top of your voice. This fact had a huge impact on the lives of all clan members, spanning across all clans. People got calls and messages at odd times asking them to come over and "cheer" for their clans. For eg.: "Yes...where are u dude??..POTTY... ok..nevermind, come and cheer for us at the CEO event. Dude, no need to wash...just run!!".

The frienzied "cheering" would cause the whole campus to erupt after every 3 minutes. Dontanapalli villagers were left baffled and scared, both at once. The yells of "D Gang", "Italian Mafia", "Yakuza" etc. thundered their ears day and night. Such was the fear of this sudden burst of yelling, that all mothers of Dontanapalli started warning their naughty little ones by saying: "beta soja..nahin toh yakuza aa jayega".

Was it a Party?: Although the freshers was supposed to be a party, a break from the tedious case studies and boring subjects. But reportedly, this was not the case.

It was observed that the promotion heads of the clans were busy stealing MARKETING strategies of competitor clans. The Section Representatives were busy extorting funds from the clan members, to FINANCE their activities. And various other functional heads of the clans were seen failing miserably in ORGANISATIONAL BEHAVIOR, because of their huge ego clashes. Further, the treasurers were busy siphoning funds by ACCOUNTING it, in a smart way.

After effects of CHEERING: The Freshers was over. And so was the ability of IBS students to "speak". What was coming out of the mouths of the students, whenever they tried to speak, was nothing but a squeak.

A little distance away, in Donatanapalli, these squeaks sounded more like "a hiss of a snake".

The Rumour: It was alleged that since all clan members had turned into Cheerleaders, discussions were made to provide each Male Cheerleader with a Skirt and a customised Top, by all clans, to add glamour to their respective promotion strategies.

A few hours ago.......

Dontanapalli villager: "What have they built in front of our village?"

Dontanapalli villager no. 2: "A huge mental asylum."

A SEXIST BLOG.

"Birds have wings to fly, but what do I have??"....I heard something like this in the promo of a MTV contest to select a teen diva who will later go on and represent India in some contest abroad. And it was not the first time I heard something like above from a girl's mouth. Some of my gal friends have said things like..."I want wings", "kaash mere paas pankh hote" etc. What I don't understand is why do they need wings? Isn't it better to live like a normal human being?? Surely they don't want wings to fly around like Superman and save the world...or am I wrong?
And to answer the question "birds have wings, but what do I have?"....gals have many important assets,which, as a male I can say are definitely much more attractive than wings. Just being born as an average looking girl assures them of at least a few boys chasing them(and maybe an odd lesbian too). But life is not so rosy for a boy, a boy can't get female attention unless he is super handsome or at least handsome, above average and average looking guys face a tough time and ugly boys like me have no choice but to claim abstainence and say that we are saints.

The other issue which baffles me is related to girls and their habit to cry almost anytime without any reason or logic. I mean, we mature boys cry only when something seriously goes wrong(for eg. we cry only when our sibling snatches away our toys or when our mom beats us up).

There are many issues I thought of writing here but on second thoughts I feel that its a lot better to stay alive.

I have written a lot of irrelevant and offensive stuff here. I wrote them to put relevance into this blog. I do this all the time and don't feel guilty...because I can always say sorry...like I am doing now!!

P.S.
1.I hope the diva contest winner is also awarded with feather wings which she can stick on her shoulders.
2. I hope the contest winner does not attempt to fly using those wings.

pehla pehla blog hai...pehli pehli baar hai..chorus!

Hellu!
Since this is my first blog over here, I decided to start by keeping the Indian traditions in mind.
Therefore I have just now smashed a coconut on the monitor of my computer to mark the beginning.
Thus I apologize in advance for the spelling mistakes I am gonna make,since I can't see the monitor.
Update:The monitor is throwing sparks out of it..i better run before my pants catch fire.
keep tolerating!